The Best Investment

Authors note: The best investment is people. People come with their own baggage of personality and character. Being too nice invites cruelty. Dale Carnegie's book on "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is now a manual on manipulation, flagged up by every scam alert watchdog. You either have friends from school, or colleagues who care enough about you... otherwise you're bound to be alone.

It isn't so bad being alone, except people in the West misjudge this feature as a sign of psychopathology. It's not good to vent, it's not good to put everything on social media, pretend everything is okay. Always!

People, Loneliness, and the Ties That Bind in Old Age.

The best investment is people. But let's dive deeper into this. In a world obsessed with connections—LinkedIn networks, Facebook friends, Instagram followers—we've commodified relationships. Yet, the psychology behind human bonds reveals a more nuanced picture. Investing in people isn't like buying stocks; there's no guaranteed return, and the risks are emotional rather than financial.

 Psychologists like Robert Cialdini, in his work on influence, echo Carnegie's principles but warn of their dark side: reciprocity can breed obligation, and social proof can lead to herd mentality. 

When we invest too heavily in being "nice," we open doors to exploitation. Evolutionary psychology suggests this stems from our tribal roots—kindness signaled alliance in small groups, but in modern society, it can attract predators who see vulnerability as an opportunity. Consider the baggage we all carry. Freudian theory posits that our early experiences shape our attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. A friend with an anxious attachment might cling too tightly, demanding constant reassurance, while an avoidant one pulls away at the first sign of intimacy. This baggage accumulates over a lifetime, making friendships in old age particularly complex. 

As we age, our social circles shrink naturally—retirement severs work ties, health issues limit mobility, and loved ones pass away. According to a 2023 study by the American Psychological Association, loneliness affects over 40% of adults over 65, not just as a feeling but as a health risk comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It accelerates cognitive decline, weakens the immune system, and heightens depression.

Yet, loneliness isn't synonymous with solitude. The ancient Stoics, like Epictetus, celebrated solitude as a path to self-mastery. In Eastern philosophies, such as Buddhism, being alone fosters mindfulness and inner peace. The West, influenced by individualism yet paradoxically fearing isolation, pathologizes it. Think of the DSM-5's criteria for personality disorders—schizoid or avoidant types are labeled for preferring solitude. But is that fair? 

Research from Julianne Holt-Lunstad at Brigham Young University shows that while chronic loneliness harms, voluntary solitude can recharge. The key is choice: forced isolation erodes the psyche, but chosen aloneness builds resilience. Expanding on friendships in old age, the psychology shifts dramatically. Young friendships often revolve around shared activities—school projects, parties, career climbs. But in later years, they center on emotional support and shared histories. Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development highlight "generativity vs. stagnation" in middle age, evolving into "integrity vs. despair" in old age. Friendships help us reflect on a life well-lived, combating despair. However, forming new ones becomes harder. Neuroplasticity decreases, making it tougher to adapt to new personalities. Social identity theory explains how we gravitate toward "in-groups"—people like us in age, background, or interests—which narrows options.Loneliness in old age often stems from these dynamics.

 A 2019 report from the UK's Campaign to End Loneliness found that men, in particular, struggle more due to cultural norms discouraging emotional vulnerability. Women tend to maintain broader networks through nurturing roles, but both genders face widowhood's sting. The COVID-19 pandemic exacerbated this; a Harvard study in 2021 noted a 20% spike in elderly isolation, leading to "deaths of despair."

Real-life examples illustrate this vividly. Take my neighbor, Mr. Thompson, a retired engineer in his late 70s. He lost his wife five years ago and his colleagues faded after retirement. His school friends? Scattered or deceased. He invested heavily in people early on—hosting barbecues, volunteering at church—but as baggage piled up (his own health issues, others' relocations), he found himself alone. Psychologically, he slipped into avoidant patterns, rejecting community center invites out of pride. Loneliness manifested as irritability and insomnia. But a turning point came when he joined a local walking group. There, he met others with similar "baggage"—widowers sharing war stories. This rebuilt his sense of belonging, aligning with attachment theory's emphasis on secure bases in later life.

Contrast that with Mrs. Elena, an 82-year-old immigrant from Italy I met through a volunteer program. She arrived in the U.S. in her 50s, building a life around her children and job. But as kids moved away and colleagues retired, loneliness crept in. Western culture's emphasis on independence clashed with her collectivist upbringing, where family elders were central. She felt pathologized—doctors suggested therapy for her "depression," but it was cultural isolation. Drawing from positive psychology, she started a cooking club for seniors, teaching pasta recipes. This not only combated loneliness but highlighted resilience: older adults with purpose-driven activities report 30% lower depression rates, per a Yale study.

Now, about being too nice inviting cruelty. Social exchange theory posits relationships as cost-benefit analyses. If you're overly accommodating, others may exploit it, leading to resentment. In old age, this is amplified; scammers target seniors' kindness. The FBI reports over $3 billion lost annually to elder fraud, often starting with "friendly" calls. Dale Carnegie's book, once a beacon for genuine rapport, is now dissected in scam prevention workshops. Principles like "smile" or "remember names" are twisted into phishing tactics. 

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A real example: my friend's aunt, in her 60s, befriended a "nice" online contact who praised her endlessly (Carnegie's "make the other person feel important"). It was a romance scam; she lost savings before realising. Psychologically, this preys on loneliness—oxytocin from perceived bonds blinds judgment.Friendships from school or colleagues: these are the gold standard because they're organic, not forced. School bonds form during identity formation (Erikson's "identity vs. role confusion"), creating deep loyalty. Colleagues share goals, fostering camaraderie. But without them, aloneness looms. A study in the Journal of Gerontology found that 60% of octogenarians rely on pre-retirement networks. If those erode, psychopathology labels follow—yet it's societal failure, not individual flaw.

Venting and social media? Toxic. Psychologists warn that constant sharing creates "emotional dumping," straining relationships. A 2022 meta-analysis in Cyberpsychology showed social media increases loneliness by promoting comparison. Pretending everything's okay—"toxic positivity"—suppresses authentic emotions, leading to burnout. In old age, this is perilous; suppressed grief accelerates dementia risk. Let's explore more examples. John, a 75-year-old veteran, avoided venting after Vietnam, embodying stoicism. His school friends understood his silence, but new acquaintances labeled him "distant." Loneliness peaked until he joined a vets' group, where shared baggage allowed safe expression. 

Catharsis theory supports controlled venting in trusted circles, not public blasts.Then there's Sarah, 68, who posted daily on Facebook about her aches. It backfired—friends ghosted, seeing her as needy. Western bias viewed her solitude as depression, but therapy revealed it was performative connection. Shifting to real interactions, like book clubs, rebuilt genuine ties.

In old age, friendships evolve into "socio emotional selectivity theory" (Laura Carstensen): we prioritize meaningful bonds over quantity. Quality trumps as time feels finite. Loneliness isn't inevitable; interventions like intergenerational programs help. A Dutch initiative pairing elders with students reduced isolation by 25%. But challenges persist. Mobility loss isolates; tech gaps hinder virtual connections. 

Real example: Mr. Lee, 80, from Korea, struggled post-stroke. His colleagues were gone, school friends abroad. Loneliness triggered anxiety, misjudged as paranoia. Joining an online forum (with help) connected him globally, proving adaptability. Psychologically, loneliness activates the HPA axis, spiking cortisol—like chronic stress.

 Friendships buffer this, releasing endorphins. In old age, pet ownership or hobbies mimic bonds, per studies. Yet, solitude's beauty: Thoreau's Walden celebrates it. Many elders find peace in reflection, avoiding drama.To counter cruelty from niceness, set boundaries.

 Assertiveness training, rooted in cognitive-behavioral therapy, helps. Carnegie's tools, used ethically, build alliances without manipulation. Ultimately, investing in people pays dividends in shared joy, support. But balance with self-investment. Loneliness teaches self-reliance; old age refines it. In conclusion, people are the best investment, baggage and all. Navigate psychology wisely—embrace solitude, cherish old ties, form new with caution. Real lives like Thompson's or Elena's show transformation possible. Don't vent indiscriminately; don't pretend.

 Authenticity fosters true connections, warding off loneliness's shadow.

Delving deeper into the psychology, consider Maslow's hierarchy: belonging is foundational, above safety, below esteem. In old age, if unmet, self-actualisation falters. Loneliness distorts perception—negative bias amplifies, per cognitive psychology.

Example: Grandma Rose, 85, widowed. Her "niceness" invited a manipulative neighbor borrowing money. Isolation followed betrayal. Therapy using REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) reframed her views, leading to senior yoga friends. Friendships in old age combat ageism, too. 

Society views elders as burdensome, fueling loneliness. AARP studies show inclusive communities lower suicide rates. Social media's role: algorithms favor drama, encouraging vents that alienate. Elders, less savvy, fall prey. 

Example: Uncle Bob, 72, ranted politically online. Lost friends, deepened loneliness. Switching to calls mended bonds.

Baggage integration: Jung's shadow work suggests embracing flaws for deeper connections. In old age, this yields wisdom-sharing friendships. More on Western psychopathology: individualism prizes self-sufficiency, yet shames dependence. 

Contrast with Japan's "hikikomori," but even there, it's pathologized. Real example: A friend’s father, 78, in nursing home. Labeled "antisocial" for preferring books. But he thrived in quiet, writing memoirs—solitude as strength. To build friendships: volunteer, join clubs. Psychology: proximity breeds liking (mere exposure effect). Loneliness epidemics: Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called it a crisis in 2023. Solutions: community gardens, tech training. Example: Maria, 79, learned Zoom during pandemic. Reconnected with schoolmates, easing loneliness. Being alone isn't bad; it's perspective. Stoicism teaches control internals. 

In sum, invest wisely in people. Understand psychology, embrace old age's unique friendships, combat loneliness with action. Real stories inspire—yours can too.

Happy new year 🎊 

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Author

Campbell Kitts